I don't know how to tell other people what I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's better if I'll just write it. Somehow I can release the pain here.
Today is a very hard day for me. I lost one important part of our family. I thought losing an old family member is painful but losing a baby in the family is even more painful.
History quite repeated itself. Before, I lost my younger brother when he was still in my mom's womb. Now, I lost another baby brother; I lost my cousin. For my part, it is very painful because I've always been so vocal how much I love and value my cousins because I don't have any siblings.
It's so sad that I didn't even see my baby cousin. I wasn't able to play with him. I wasn't able to kiss and hug him.
I am very affected with what happened because the mom of my baby cousin is the person who served as my second mom when my mother died. She took care of me, she raised me as if I was her real daughter. She also took care of my other cousins. I know how much she loved all of us and I don't think she deserves to lose her own baby. The mere thought of it makes me cry.
What's even worse, I can't even do something to make her feel better because she is in US.
Anything that has something to do with my family is my weakness. :( haaaaaay
How am I gonna pull off this day? I can't focus. I am so distracted. What will I do? Will I flash fake smiles? Will I pretend that I feel okay today?